Mood States and Memory

One of the things that surprises me is how I can’t remember what it was like to be in the one I’m not in.

Ok, that sounds weird.

Right now, I’m not depressed. In fact, I suspect I’m running a bit manic, due to some impulsive issues I’ve had recently.

Right now, I feel a lot like I did in my 20s: confident, sure of myself, strong, happy most of the time, adventurous on occasion. I still have problems, but I’m pretty sure I can deal with them.

When I was depressed, I could remember that there was a time when I felt that way, in a vague sort of way. But I couldn’t remember how it FELT to be that way.

Now, I’m having trouble remembering what it was like to be so depressed. Why the hell couldn’t I get off my ass and get a job when I really needed one? Why couldn’t I study? Why did I waste so much time doing NOTHING, and so much money on stuff that didn’t do anything to help us?

I remember that I didn’t feel capable of doing anything, but I can’t remember how it feels to be that stuck.

And it’s not like there was some magical moment that turned everything around. It was small steps taken over months and years that pulled me back to . . . well, to ME. A lot of those steps are chronicled in another forum, but I don’t feel connected to all that floundering. I know it was me. And I remember taking the steps. But, again, I don’t remember what it felt like along the way.

This is very strange to me. It’s like I’m disconnected from my own feelings. My emotions are always in the moment. The rest of me isn’t, but my emotions are.

How can I help someone else who is in the (to borrow a word from Havi Brooks) stuckness if I can’t remember it?

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2 comments on “Mood States and Memory
  1. A thought for you:
    Most people can't remember feelings. If they could, women would never get pregnant a second time. 😉 But you might want to write yourself a letter, describing how you feel and how productive you are and how happy that makes you, so you can read it when you're not feeling that way. After all, you can easily tell anyone else that they don't know what it's like… but it's a lot harder to say that to yourself. 🙂

  2. Ishtar says:

    Thanks! I may do that!

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