The Other Me

I’m reading Carrie Fisher’s The Best Awful. Since I tend to read several books at a time, this has been my lunchtime reading, so I’m taking it slow.

Honestly, as a book, the writing is not what I would normally enjoy. The book is written in third person, but it’s centered on the main character, Suzanne. If you heard of or watched the movie (or read the book) Postcards from the Edge, the book is about the same character.

There are a lot of parallels between Carrie Fisher’s life and Suzanne’s. They both have a show business mother that’s a little larger than life, they both had an acting career when young, they both suffered a breakdown and changed careers, while still being sort-of in in the business.

Anyway, in this book, her marriage is over because her husband fell in love with a man. Her alcoholism and drug addiction is long in the past. She has a 6 year old daughter, and she’s taking her bipolar medication in order to provide a stable life for her daughter.

Until a well-known producer dies. As she’s on her way to the funeral, her best friend says, “You haven’t done anything interesting in ages!”

Somehow, that leads her to seduce an aging Hollywood bad boy at the funeral.

Shortly after that, she decides to seduce a young personal trainer guy she calls “Thor”. In order to do so, she cuts back on a couple of her medications.

The relationship doesn’t last long, but soon, she’s stopped taking her meds altogether.

After that, it gets fun.

As a book, it’s not the kind of thing I would normally read, and I don’t really like it. On the other hand, as insight into what happens in a bipolar person’s head when they stop taking their meds, it is brilliant. Watching as she justifies the steps she’s taking and lies to the people trying to help her and gets more wild with each passing day.

One of the things I can really relate to is that she has a name for her manic self. She calls her manic self Lucrezia (as in Lucrezia Borgia).

I think the reason I can relate to this naming is that I feel that my manic self was not really me. I know I did certain things, but it never felt like it was really *me* doing those things. The real me sits at home with a book or knitting while watching tv.  The real me is socially awkward, and completely geeky. The real me is sensitive to other people.

Manic me is self-centered, childish, impulsive, drunk, slut.

It just doesn’t feel like the same person at all.

I think that’s why even though I don’t like the writing, I can relate to this book.

Things that are obvious to see, but hard to implement

I’m still really terrible at self-discipline stuff.

On the one hand, I’m doing really well keeping up with my classes, and pretty well keeping up with clients. That’s good.

But my house is still a mess, hours/days after getting it caught up pretty well.

I haven’t really exercised in weeks. I bought an exercise ball and some bands and I pull them out for a few minutes here and there, but not really working-up-a-sweat exercising.

And, of course, I haven’t been writing.

I’ve been reading Ramit Sethi’s stuff. Not just his “I will teach you to be rich” blog but also his emails for his “Earn 1K” course.

I really wanted to buy into his course last month when he opened it up, but I don’t have the disposable income to throw into it. I’m still living too close to the edge. But I did watch his free webcasts that he used to build up enthusiasm for the course. And I’m reading all his emails, as he beefs up to run it again.

The first thing I notice is that there is no magic bullet in his stuff. It’s all pretty much common sense, with a big push to just GET OFF YOUR ASS ALREADY AND DO IT!

And then there is the fact that I don’t seem to value myself.

My other webpage has my “new” tutoring rates, set at $35/hr base rate. However, I have yet to have a client actually pay that. And I’m beginning to resent it. My newest client should be paying it, but past clients keep telling new clients how much they are paying, and it is driving me crazy.

Especially when I saw this ad on craigslist. If the ad is gone when you look for it, it’s of a young woman, attractive, who has similar qualifications that I did when I started tutoring. She’s part-way through getting the same degree I got, just like I was when I started. And her picture shows her at a bar with a drink in her hand. She is asking $30/hr. The picture is unprofessional, and I don’t see many high school parents picking her over others that are advertising, because of the pictures.

But then I remember when I was posting on craigslist. I had all kinds of people contact me, even when it was obvious it was not a good fit. My ad specified pre-algebra through calculus. I would get parents of 3rd graders emailing me. I listed certain neighborhoods; I’d have someone 30 miles further than the furthest neighborhood I specified contact me. It was insane.

On the one hand, I’m grateful that most of my current clients are referrals from past clients. But I’m also frustrated that this referral network makes it difficult to raise my rates. I *need* to raise my rates, but I apparently lack the confidence to do so.

Someone kick me in ass!

Publish Post

I really wanted to be able to buy into the Earn 1k course because raising rates is one of the exercises he works on.