Early depression signs

Over the last 5-6 weeks, I’ve been sliding slowing into depression. I’m not non-functional yet, but there’s a lot of negative signs.

This came to my attention in earnest on Sunday, when I realized I had not showered since Friday morning. This is not as bad as it has been in the past (when I’d go up to four days without paying attention to basic hygiene). But it is definitely a bad sign.

I think it started early in March.

My truck (a 1992 GMC Sonoma) had a major problem. It has had a lot of problems in the last few years, that I haven’t had the money to fix. The whole exhaust system needs to be replaced. The radiator has a slow leak. It’s been leaking oil, and getting worse. It started out where I’d have to add a quart of oil every 4-6 weeks. As of March, I was adding a quart a week or more. Driving one day in early March, the temperature gauge showed a higher temp than normal. I stopped and put water in the radiator, and realized the oil was low again, too. Added oil. It seemed fine for a little bit, but when driving to a client, the temp gauge was still high. I don’t know what happened, but SOMETHING happened when both the radiator and oil were low that day. The engine now smells wrong. It feels wrong, it sounds wrong. There’s something majorly wrong.

Serendipitously, that same day, the client I was seeing mentioned that she was selling a car she bought for her daughter. The car is a stick shift, and the daughter couldn’t get coordinated enough to drive the car. It’s actually OLDER than my truck, which gave me pause at first. But it has very low miles.

So, later that week, I bought it. I felt pretty good about it, except that the money used to buy it was supposed to help me through summer, when I’ll be losing Voc Rehab money. Then there were the associated costs and headaches. Smog check. Insurance. Registration. All that stuff. On the one hand, I feel pretty good that I was able to handle it all in a timely manner.

But I think doing so drained my emotional reserves.

The class I had in March also worked on draining some of my energy. There were problems with the class and my procrastination was pushed to the limit. I turned in everything late. I got my lowest grad school grade, a B+. Now, a B+ is not a BAD grade, but I was doing well with A’s and A-‘s. I’m a bit annoyed at myself.

I’ve also forgotten client appointments.

I’ve lost a couple of clients. Not because of the missed appointments, but because of schedule changes, and one client’s mother is losing her job.

C’s laptop died. I first thought it was the monitor. It wasn’t. It’s the graphics processor, and a known problem in models similar to this one. $175 repair.

On top of buying a car and the associated costs, replacing a damaged tire recently, C needed new shoes, now this. . . My very little monetary reserves are drying up, and I’m stressed about this.

I should start to hustle for more clients, because I need the money, but I can’t bring myself to do it.

I haven’t even submitted my invoice to the company for my hours for March yet.

Yesterday, I went to the gym. I’ll go again tomorrow. I’m becoming more diligent about my medications. I have a dr’s appt with my pdoc on May 2, 3pm

I know part of the problem is that I haven’t been sleeping enough at night. C’s been up every night really late, which means I’m up late, too.

So, I’m taking steps to fight this. But it’s difficult. And I’m feeling kind of drained.

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