Catch up, where I’ve been, things on my mind

So, yeah, it’s been almost a year since I wrote.

From mid-August to mid-January, I was student teaching while taking a grad school class to finish requirements for my teaching credential. It was exhausting, physically and emotionally.
Smack-dab in the middle of it, I had gallbladder attacks, near constant for most of the month of October. In mid-November, on my 42nd birthday, I had surgery to take it out. 
I only missed four days of teaching, but I think I pushed myself too hard.
When I finished the semester, I still needed to finish writing one paper to close out my grad school class. 
But I collapsed, physically and emotionally. It took more than four months before I was even able to leave the house. I had intended to substitute teach during the remainder of the school year, and the mentor teachers I worked with would have had me fill in for them, but I could not bring myself to finish the paperwork necessary to do it.
How messed up is that?
I just finished that paper, finally. But it was after the Incomplete had already reverted to an Unsatisfactory. I don’t know yet if I’ll be able to get it accepted. I’m waiting to hear from the department director and my counselor about it. I think it will probably go through, or there is an appeal process I can use. 
I’m beating myself up over it. There was no reason for it to take this long.
Except, now I’m wondering if I can really handle teaching? Can I? If one semester wore me out that much? Should I have tried harder to get full disability back when my therapist thought I needed it instead of fighting to work and finish school? 
Anyway, during the workups leading to the surgery, I discovered that I’m insulin-resistant. The doctor also had mentioned metabolic syndrome. When my mother was diagnosed diabetic a few months ago, I finally got serious about losing weight. 
My friends and I started a blog 2 years ago to support each other losing weight:  http://2010flacas.blogspot.com/ . However, all of us gave up, and stopped writing. Since March, I’ve been blogging pretty consistently over there, working out and counting calories. My highest ever weight was last June at 199.6 lbs, in March I was between 193-196 lbs. Right now, I’m around 178 lbs and lifting heavy weights. The others tell me they’re inspired, but they rarely write.

What I really wanted to write about today, though, was something that happened in early May. I wrote about it on the Las Flacas blog as “an emotional punch to the gut” but I didn’t talk about it in detail over there.

I think I’m ready to talk about it now.

My ex-husband called me, totally out of the blue.

It’s been 18 years since he left me, and 11 years since the last time I spoke to him. He called a couple of days after what would have been our 19 year anniversary. 

He told me he’s been seeing a therapist and the therapist wants him to explore problems in his previous relationships. So he called me.

Now, he knows that I’ve been in therapy. And I know there’s no way in hell that his therapist told him to call me. Because, you know, of course I talked about him in therapy, but I was never encouraged to CALL him. Because he needs to explore HIS feelings about the relationship, not mine.

There were a couple of times when his voice trembled, like he was nervous. And toward the end of the very brief conversation, he said he’d call me back when he had more time to talk (because he called me on his ten minute break from work – to talk about relationship issues! Um, yeah). 

I said, “You know what? Just don’t.”

He sounded very sad when he said, “I shouldn’t? Don’t?”

No, really, just don’t.

Thing is, you see, he’s still with the woman he left me for, 18 years ago. And I’m fairly certain they are actually married.

And if he’s in therapy and exploring previous relationships, that means there’s issues in his current relationship.
I really don’t see where it’s up to me to help him fix his current relationship!
But also?
He called me on his break from work. 
So SHE wouldn’t know he’d called me.
And he’s obviously been online stalking me for awhile.
Last year, he sent me an email when his cat died.
He sent it to my tutoring email address, which had to be found on my business’ website. I assume that’s also how he got my phone number.
He said he’d been “keeping tabs” on me for some time.
That’s creepy, isn’t it?
I mean, he left me and cut me out of his life. So why is he “keeping tabs” on me?
It could be that he’s turning 40 next January, IIRC. I’m sure this is a mid-life thing. Perhaps he has some regrets.
I don’t know.
I don’t care.
Except that he still has this stupid effect on me. 
My dreams have been full of reunion scenarios.
That pisses me off no end. At least I’ve been able to use that anger to fuel my workouts.
But it also distracts me from the million and one things I have to do.
I still have steps to take to finish my credential.
I have to create invoices for the contract job I’ve been doing. I need that money.
I need to look for a job, write a teaching resume, contact people for letters of recommendation. . .
And I’m fighting my brain coming up with stupid fantasies.
It’s a waste of emotional energy.
Maybe if I were dating someone, that would go away? But it’s not like I’ve had any energy to spare for that.
I put up a profile on OkCupid a few days ago, but I’m thinking of taking it down, because I’m not really ready to date.
I need my energy for other things right now.
SO GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD, ASSHOLE.


Tagged with: , , , , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized
3 comments on “Catch up, where I’ve been, things on my mind
  1. Don't beat yourself up. My brain still plays What If scenes now and then, even though I absolutely don't want to be back with xDH, and I am absolutely in love with my fiance.

    Have you considered giving your brain what it wants? Play the scene all the way through in your mind. Consciously. In detail. All the way to its ugly ending. Let it know the answer to What If, instead of suppressing it. Get there, point, and say See? Happy now? Now you can let it go!

    P.S. If he lied about his therapist saying to call you, perhaps he also lied about having a therapist. Maybe he just wanted an excuse to call you. I don't know that it's creepy, exactly. Everyone's brain plays What It. But it's a sign of his poor impulse control that he followed through on it. (Not to mention complete Failure To Get It.)

  2. Ishtar says:

    After he called, I called and got an appt with my psychiatrist.

    My psychiatrist said something along the lines of:

    He's trying to manipulate you and make himself look good. If he'd been honest and just said he was thinking about you, then my advice might be different, but no, he's manipulating you.

    And he's right. And I know it.

    Doesn't stop the frigging day dreams and nightmares.

    *sigh*

    But thanks.

  3. Sounds like you've got a good psychiatrist!
    I'm sorry your ex is screwing with your head.
    Hugs

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Just One Person's Opinion

Navigating the new political normal

Daily (w)rite

A DAILY RITUAL OF WRITING

Gotta Find a Home

Conversations with Street People

MR. HELLSTRØM

Rants and meanderings from a science fiction writer to his future fans, or anyone else who'll listen, for that matter.

The Vagabond Studio

Inspiring Peace, Love, and Creative Sustainability

maa organics

nature - nourish - nurture

Invincible Summer

writing from the center of self

Erica Staab

Seeing beauty in all things... living life as a prayer... creating a meaningful life...

Mathy McMatherson

Bloggy McBloggerson

Dee's Dialogue

nature - nourish - nurture

There She Woz

Writer, Mama, Lover of Green Olives and Toast

Reclaiming Sovereignty

Annie Dieu-Le-Veut

Sincerely, Diana

Busy Being Awesome

Wild Sister Magazine

Love Yourself, Follow Your Bliss, Change The World

Leonie Dawson | Shining Life + Biz

Finding my way in this crazy world

zen habits

Finding my way in this crazy world

%d bloggers like this: