My mood state has been all over the place in the last few days.
Monday, I was completely manic, doing deep cleaning in the apartment, writing a couple posts plus in my journal.
Tuesday and Wednesday, I was anxious and alternated between being irritated, optimistic, and crying for no reason.
I barely ate anything at all those three days, which is not at all like me.
I need to get to the gym today, but this is even more volatile than usual for me.
I’ve had Mirena for 11 weeks now, but I haven’t stopped spotting/bleeding the whole time. When it hits 12 weeks, I’m going to contact my doctor, because it’s really annoying. I’m wondering if this is having an effect on my mood? It is hormonal, but one of the reasons I had it put in was that the hormones were supposed to stay local instead of going through my whole system. Also, it was supposed to make my periods LESS annoying.
I meant to go to the gym yesterday and I never made it out of the apartment. Now that my air conditioner is finally working, I don’t want to leave! I need to go today. Lifting may help my mood.
I need to redirect my energy to other things than where they have been. I don’t want to talk about where they have been, because it’s stupid and annoying.
Directing my energy into cleaning on Monday helped a bit, I think. Maybe I can do more of that today.
I also put a profile up on OKCupid. But every time I start talking to someone or look at profiles, I’m rejecting them or just getting scared.
I did it because I thought it might be nice to meet someone now, but I also don’t think I’m ready to meet anyone yet.
For years, I’ve been saying that I’m ok alone, and most of the time, I believe that.
The inner turmoil that I’ve felt since the ex called, though, is what prompted me to set up a profile. I thought if I could meet someone, that might help me push him back into the recesses of my mind. I do not want him cluttering up my mind and screwing with my emotions. I can’t believe I’m still obsessing over it 9 weeks later. He does not deserve this much of me.
But, I don’t think I’m ready to meet someone.
How can I not be ready after this long alone? Am I just that damaged? Or do I need to be actually teaching and feeling secure in my life before I meet someone?