Helping someone else

The best way to stop obsessing about your own problems is to help someone else, right? Last night, I felt like a Priestess for the first time in a long time. Not because I was doing ritual or anything, but because I helped someone.

I don’t want to get into to many details, but I know this young man who is having a lot of personal difficulties.

Last night he posted something on FB that worried me.

I sent him a private message and said that if he needed to talk, I was there, or we could go to Starbucks and chat.

I picked him up, took him to Starbucks, bought us a couple of drinks and we talked.

I helped him calm down. Listened to him. Talked him through a basic chakra meditation. Interpreted a dream. Helped him come up with a game plan before he went home. Then I got him a job application from a local business before I took him home.

Unfortunately, his home environment quickly undid the work we’d done, but for a time, he was more calm and focused.

Walking a labyrinth

Morse Park in Elk Grove has a stone labyrinth. I discovered this a couple of years ago when I went to a dog walk/run event with Mon a few years ago.

I’ve wanted to go back ever since, but have never made it, until today. I have a tutoring client that I saw today that lives only a couple of miles from the park. The time of day my appointment with her was during a high traffic time, and after a stressful ride down, I didn’t want to drive back in heavy traffic, so I headed to the park.

There is also fitness equipment there, and sometime I want to go back and do the circuit.

But anyway, today I just walked the labyrinth, similar to this design, as a moving meditation.

I’ve been experiencing a high level of anxiety lately, and as I was walking into the pattern, in several places, I had to stop and breathe through mounting anxiety. It seemed to take a long time to reach the center, and the pattern turned and kept going longer than I thought it would.

I relaxed when I got to the center and tried to empty my mind.

The entrance and the opening to the center face west, and you must face east when leaving.

In several cultures, the Underground/Afterlife is found in the west, where the sun sets (or metaphorically dies). This makes the east the direction of birth and rebirth.

While I did not have any visions or amazing insights, the way out (which is exactly the same as the way in) did not cause anxiety and seemed to take half the time of the way in.

Not sure what that means, as my anxiety is again rising now, several hours after the labyrinth. But I did feel better for a time.

Working through stuff

While I’m working on my fitness and weight loss journey, emotional things keep coming up.

One I’m tired of talking about except how it affects my future.

I put the OKCupid profile back up, but I’m not very encouraged. I have pics up now, and I don’t think they’re bad pics (or I wouldn’t have picked them), but now I’m not getting the level of interest from people looking at my profile as I was when I only had a pic of my legs and feet. 🙂

 A couple of weeks ago, some internet friends came out to the Bay Area for a vacation, and I drove to where they were staying. We hung out, went to Chinatown one day and introduced them to our favorite tea house.

Another day we went to Golden Gate Park and saw the rose garden and Stow Lake. Later we went to Straights Singaporean Restaurant and met several other internet friends. It was a great time! These pics were taken on that second day.

 So, yes, I’m fat/chubby/chunky. I’m honest about that. I’m still technically obese, although I’m getting close be being merely overweight. (One more inch off the waist!)

But I still think these are decent pictures. If nothing else, I’m genuinely happy in them.

Chemistry, wit, charm, passion don’t always come across with internet communication, though. I’m finding it hard to connect with anyone. Anyone that is interested in me, I’m not interested in.

And that is really the core of this problem, and goes back to the thing I don’t want to talk about any more.

I haven’t had a relationship since I was diagnosed bipolar. That’s almost thirteen years now.

My relationships prior to that were always either short and intense, or completely casual. No in-between, and only a couple had “long-term potential” in my eyes. And, obviously, even those didn’t work out.

I always met men when I was manic and almost always drunk, too. I feel like I don’t know how to do things any other way.

Which makes me wonder if I’m actually capable of having a real, intimate, long-term relationship.

When I bring this up to other people (not that I have to many), they scoff and tell me, “Of course you are!”

I’m not so sure.

If I’m completely honest about my previous relationships, only one came close to being authentically intimate. And I think that was largely due to him working hard to break down my walls. Those walls are now higher and thicker. Will anyone else have the patience to break through?

The one thing I miss about my manic times is the confidence I felt. It’s really difficult now to socialize. I get panic attacks. I feel timid.

I’m trying to break out of that. I went to an SCA event last month. Last week I went to a Pagan meetup. I’m attending Parent Group meetings at the tae kwon do school. And the above socializing with internet friends.

Right now, I’m capable of doing those things because I’m not working.

What about when I am working?

Will I withdraw again?

I think it’s likely.

My energy reserves seem to be very small/low. I don’t seem to be as capable of doing as many things as other people are. Everything exhausts me, especially if it has to do with interacting with others.

I think that’s the core reason I prefer to live alone.

And does preferring to live alone bode well for a future relationship?

I have no idea where I was intending to go with this when I started writing it. I know I had something different in mind than where it ended up, but can’t quite recall what it was. [I know, if I did the “pre-writing” note-taking and outlining, I’d be more consistant. But I don’t.]

Edited to add: Someone told me privately that they thought this post was about my weight. It’s not. I mention the weight because as I’m losing weight, emotional stuff is coming up and amplifying my insecurities. Emotional stuff that I’ve suppressed for years while I was dealing with just surviving. I have to deal with the emotional stuff now to get where I want to be. Clear as mud?