While I’m working on my fitness and weight loss journey, emotional things keep coming up.

One I’m tired of talking about except how it affects my future.

I put the OKCupid profile back up, but I’m not very encouraged. I have pics up now, and I don’t think they’re bad pics (or I wouldn’t have picked them), but now I’m not getting the level of interest from people looking at my profile as I was when I only had a pic of my legs and feet. 🙂

 A couple of weeks ago, some internet friends came out to the Bay Area for a vacation, and I drove to where they were staying. We hung out, went to Chinatown one day and introduced them to our favorite tea house.

Another day we went to Golden Gate Park and saw the rose garden and Stow Lake. Later we went to Straights Singaporean Restaurant and met several other internet friends. It was a great time! These pics were taken on that second day.

 So, yes, I’m fat/chubby/chunky. I’m honest about that. I’m still technically obese, although I’m getting close be being merely overweight. (One more inch off the waist!)

But I still think these are decent pictures. If nothing else, I’m genuinely happy in them.

Chemistry, wit, charm, passion don’t always come across with internet communication, though. I’m finding it hard to connect with anyone. Anyone that is interested in me, I’m not interested in.

And that is really the core of this problem, and goes back to the thing I don’t want to talk about any more.

I haven’t had a relationship since I was diagnosed bipolar. That’s almost thirteen years now.

My relationships prior to that were always either short and intense, or completely casual. No in-between, and only a couple had “long-term potential” in my eyes. And, obviously, even those didn’t work out.

I always met men when I was manic and almost always drunk, too. I feel like I don’t know how to do things any other way.

Which makes me wonder if I’m actually capable of having a real, intimate, long-term relationship.

When I bring this up to other people (not that I have to many), they scoff and tell me, “Of course you are!”

I’m not so sure.

If I’m completely honest about my previous relationships, only one came close to being authentically intimate. And I think that was largely due to him working hard to break down my walls. Those walls are now higher and thicker. Will anyone else have the patience to break through?

The one thing I miss about my manic times is the confidence I felt. It’s really difficult now to socialize. I get panic attacks. I feel timid.

I’m trying to break out of that. I went to an SCA event last month. Last week I went to a Pagan meetup. I’m attending Parent Group meetings at the tae kwon do school. And the above socializing with internet friends.

Right now, I’m capable of doing those things because I’m not working.

What about when I am working?

Will I withdraw again?

I think it’s likely.

My energy reserves seem to be very small/low. I don’t seem to be as capable of doing as many things as other people are. Everything exhausts me, especially if it has to do with interacting with others.

I think that’s the core reason I prefer to live alone.

And does preferring to live alone bode well for a future relationship?

I have no idea where I was intending to go with this when I started writing it. I know I had something different in mind than where it ended up, but can’t quite recall what it was. [I know, if I did the “pre-writing” note-taking and outlining, I’d be more consistant. But I don’t.]

Edited to add: Someone told me privately that they thought this post was about my weight. It’s not. I mention the weight because as I’m losing weight, emotional stuff is coming up and amplifying my insecurities. Emotional stuff that I’ve suppressed for years while I was dealing with just surviving. I have to deal with the emotional stuff now to get where I want to be. Clear as mud?