Returning to my true self?

I stepped away from being a Priestess/spiritual teacher many years ago because my life was messed up, and I didn’t feel like I had any business telling others how to heal their spiritual selves when mine was so broken. 

But what if. . .

What if it took me so long to heal because i stepped away?

What if walking away from my inner truth kept me from healing?

I know my archetype is Teacher.

This was confirmed for me when i began tutoring. That began to help me connect with my inner self, and began to turn my financial situation around. It also gave me the confidence to find work again, and helped me break the worst of the depression.

I don’t know if it was the aspect of helping someone else, or if it was the hanging out with teens that have energy to spare that helped me find energy to do what i needed to do at the time, after so long of being completely idle, withdrawn and depressed. But it did help me turn it around.

In 2012, C had expressed an interest in priestess training. But she isn’t really ready yet. I was willing, but she’s not putting in the work. She doesn’t yet understand that it takes work, time alone to reflect, intense discussion and practice. Of course, maybe I’m not supposed to be her teacher. Buddha’s wisdom says that when the student is ready the teacher will appear, and I have found that to be true throughout my life.

But beginning again. . . Reconnecting with my Priestess-self, my spiritual-self. . . .seems to have me returning to a different state of being. In part because of C and in part because of actually connecting with Goddess Leonie’s stuff instead of just ignoring it in my inbox.

I’ve mentioned that my spiritual roots are pretty fluffy-bunny-new-agey. I was one of those wanna be hippies that talked about love and light and everything being an opportunity to learn and healing and intuition guiding my every move. I believed in the ability to manifest things into my life with my will.

And I was able to. 

For example: I got the military assignments that I wanted, when I wanted them. 

Seriously, do you know how hard it is to get the Navy to move someone from Europe to the west coast? The assignment coordinator said it Could Not Be Done. He told me I would probably have to spend a couple years in Virginia before i could go back to San Diego. I said, “We’ll see, I will talk to you tomorrow,” and went to fill in my wish list.

When I went back, he looked through the assignments available to me and almost had kittens. 

There was an assignment in San Diego, only one. It required part of my skill set, a month’s worth of training in Virginia and reupping for a couple years, but it was there. One assignment on his list. It was exactly what I needed/wanted. He was stunned. That kind of thing happened more than once. I was able to manifest exactly what i needed usually right when I needed it.

And then I lost my faith (which I may or may not talk about at some point – I can pretty much pinpoint when it was) in myself, in the ability to manifest, in, well, everything, and I was no longer able to bring such miracles into my life. 

Not being able to bring what I needed into my life reinforced the negative thought patterns, deepened the depression and pushed the ability to manifest further away.

I became cynical, sarcastic, even more withdrawn, judgmental, angry, more depressed, isolated and completely self-flagellating.

Reconnecting with Teacher through tutoring helped start me back onto the right emotional track, but I had still built up a lot of negativity in my Lost Decade.

It’s not gone, and it will likely always be there now, but I’m being called back to be Priestess and/or spiritual teacher again.

There is a part of the spiritual journey that is about confronting and integrating your shadow-self into your being. Maybe I’m finally coming out the other side of that.

While I still don’t feel like I have any business telling people how to run their lives, maybe sharing my experiences can help someone.

There is no light without dark, a witch that cannot hex, cannot heal, and one cannot ignore the dark or push it away, it must be acknowledged and walked through, each in their own time.

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