Self Love: Feeling Worthy

A few weeks ago, Diana posted a fantastic post about feeling worthy. In it, she quoted a Facebook post by Paul Carter.

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photo from Unprofound.com
What seeds are you planting in your mind?

The greatest gift you can ever give yourself is the undying belief that you are worthy. Someone who doesn’t value their own self worth cannot fully accept anything gifted to them or anything earned.

If you do not believe you are worthy of someone’s love, you will never experience it. If you do not believe you are worthy of adoration, you will never experience it. If you do not believe you are worthy of adoration, you will never receive it. If you do not believe you are worthy of being strong you will never know it.

Inhale and grok* the belief that you are worthy of things both gifted and earned. .  .

There is a lot here.

We’ve often heard that if you don’t love yourself, you can’t truly love someone else. But this feels .  . . more. . . somehow.

How do you change your belief in yourself so much that you feel “worthy of adoration” without becoming completely narcissistic?

And if you don’t believe it, deep down, what kind of damage does that do?

Diana talks about not liking it when her friends don’t have a sense of self-worth, when they are down on themselves. I totally understand that. When people I care about do the same thing, I can’t stand it.

For example, when C starts being down on herself, it’s really hard to watch.

Here is this exquisite, beautiful, smart-as-hell, strong, strong-willed, talented, kind, good with small children, energetic, fantastic human being. And she will get down on herself for not being good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, good at martial arts enough. She was raised with a lot of positive reinforcement, and she still has all the same emotional fragility a lot of us have.

And nothing I say helps, because it’s coming from inside.

I know I do this, too. I talked about it a little in the compliments post, learning to just say, “Thank you,” and not add qualifiers or things that diminish the compliment.

When I look at things, particularly the last 10 years, I have not believed that I was worthy. It appears that deep down, I don’t believe I deserve good things. I create crises to ensure I don’t get good things.

I do things that make my life harder. There was a point where money was a big concern, and I missed a deadline for financial aid, and lost money that I needed. It created an even bigger crises.

And I continually do things like that, create situations that turn into crises

I didn’t believe I was good enough for the dream job I had.

I didn’t believe I was smart enough for my major.

I didn’t believe I could be successful.

I didn’t believe I deserve good things.

I am still struggling with these feelings.

Every time I make a step towards something good, some success, financial security, emotional support, anything, I do something to make that thing move further away.

I can tell that I’m changing a bit now, that the inner work I’m doing is starting to bring some success. But it still feels like. . . two steps forward, one step back.

I think one thing that’s helping me is hearing all these successful people talk about their fears and insecurities. Even Oprah!

The show has taught me there is a common thread that runs through all of our pain and all of our suffering, and that is unworthiness. Not feeling worthy enough to own the life you were created for. Even people who believe they deserve to be happy and have nice things often don’t feel worthy once they have them. 
There is a difference, you know, between thinking you deserve to be happy and knowing you are worthy of happiness. . . . 
What I got was we often block our own blessings because we don’t feel inherently good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or worthy enough.
Read more: http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/The-Oprah-Winfrey-Show-Finale_1/6#ixzz2QUhF9Kfk

So, how can we turn it around?

I think starting with Louise Hay’s exercise of looking in the mirror and telling yourself, “I love and accept you just the way you are.”

After all, if you can’t do that, how can someone else?

One of the things, besides Diana’s post, that brought this up for me was this TED talk, with Amy Cuddy:

Pay particular attention to what she says about “Fake it until you become it.”

I’ve always hated, “Fake it til you make it,” advice, mostly because I know people who are or have been suicidally depressed and no one around them knew it. They were certainly faking it every day.

But I love her story about her experience with impostor syndrome, especially when she was approached by a grad student with the same feelings.

If you are already doing some kind of daily (or regular) writing exercise, such as affirmations, gratitude/blessings, or just journaling, what about adding to it just a little bit? Add in one sentence with something you LIKE or even love about yourself.

  • I made someone laugh/smile today. 
  • [Name] said s/he thinks I’m awesome.
  • I figured out something important today
Whatever you can think of. I don’t think it’s easy. I’m still having trouble coming up with something to be grateful for every day. But I am adding this to my daily (well, near daily) writing.

What seeds are you planting when you talk to yourself?

What have you done to find a sense of self-worth? What have you done to help someone else feel better about themselves?

*grok – For those unfamiliar, the word comes from Robert Heinlein’s Stranger in a Strange Land, a tale about a human child/man raised on Mars by Martians who returns to Earth and tries to figure out human society. In the book, it’s a Martian word that doesn’t translate well into any human language, but sort of means to understand something so completely that you feel it in your bones, you know it instinctually.

6 thoughts on “Self Love: Feeling Worthy”

  1. This was a very timely blog for me to read. I struggle with feeling worthy. It can be a huge hindrance while I'm applying for jobs. I'm especially glad you mentioned Amy Cuddy's TED talk. I know that I do not “power pose” enough. When she first started talking about the advantages of power posing, I immediately thought about my recent job interview. Interestingly, she mentioned how stressful getting no feedback from the interviewers' body language can be, and I left my job interview feeling unsure how I did because I didn't get much feedback. (Although I wonder if I don't pay close enough attention to body language.)

    In addition, I, too, have felt like an imposter. I have trouble with the “fake it 'til you make it” stuff, too. “Fake it 'til you become it” is a more interesting proposition, and I especially like that she backed it up with science!

    Anyway, I found that video very interesting. Thanks for sharing it!

  2. As a guy I'm not supposed to be so mushy about this and be strong. I have done things in my past that I can't seem to shake or make up for and I've been stompted pretty good a few times. I try to make a difference every day to make someone smile or even little things like opening a door, but I can't seem to shake that feeling that I'm not worthy or she could do better then me.

    You have given me some food for thought and ideas on how to fix the thoughts/barriers I have built up. I can not change the past I need to move forward except that I am worthy of love that I am a good person now and that's what matters it was there loss my gain as I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love them. I can no longer just preach this to others, but I need to pactice it for myself.

    Again thank you

    BigBry

  3. BigBry, I'm sorry I didn't respond to your comment earlier. There is nothing wrong with mushy! Our culture sometimes sucks when it tries to intimidate men into disconnecting with their emotions. But emotions are who we are, it's what shapes us and guides our decisions. Be gentle with yourself, and express yourself.

  4. Our ability to feel worthy of love is most often taken from us by parents. Parents who judged and compared us, parents who shamed us into believing we were unworthy of love because we weren’t perfect enough, parents who ignored us unless we were exceptionally good or exceptionally bad. Standing in front of the mirror and telling yourself you’re worthy of love when the rest of the world is telling you that you aren’t, isn’t going to work for most people. The decision was made and cemented long ago. People took it from you and only people can give it back, not through platitudes but by the way they act towards you. If your of worthiness was taken from you, day after day, over the course of the first 18 years of your life by the people who were closest to you and knew you best, how long do you think it’s going to take to undo that?

    “Our culture sometimes sucks when it tries to intimidate men into disconnecting with their emotions.” What did the man say to Brené Brown at the book signing, “My wife and daughters would rather see me die on my white horse than ever fall down.” Society has put demands on men and women that very few people are prepared to diverge from because the cost is just too great. Try hard to do the things you need to do to fix yourself and you had better be prepared to be shamed even further. Seeking therapy is still shamed as being defective and weak. Don’t put your therapy experience down on your next job application if asked about it, because HR is going to see you as a danger to the rest of the employees. Having to “try hard” at anything is shamed because we’re all taught that the people the world really respects are effortless naturals. To somewhat paraphrase Max Planck, like science, societal tolerance advances one funeral at a time.

  5. You pointed something out that I never really confronted and that is not being willing to do that mirror work because it feels silly or I don’t want my husband to overhear. What’s that all about? Obviously much more work is needed. I saw that video once before which is a reminder that I need to power pose too. I do however keep a daily journal. A habit I picked up from an excellent book called The Artist’s Way. Now that book I must re read, because at about chapter 3, I was manifesting good stuff to come my way . I was doing exercises that forced me to list things I was grateful for, write things I needed to get off my chest towards those who wronged me and domsomething nice for myself every day and make a date with myself every week to do something I enjoy. Stuff for me was visiting thrift shops, art galleries, garden centres and anything that makes my heart sing. One last thing, it’s very important to journal by hand and not just type, plus a minimum of 3 pages. After the first page and a half, it opens up your deepest thoughts that come from your higher self.
    Hugs,
    R

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