This happened to me last week.
See, despite all the problems and failures I’ve had, people think of me as “strong”. And I have to admit that I like that people think that about me.
I think of me as “strong”, even though I know my weaknesses.
This is hard because I want to talk about something without giving too many details, but I’m going to try.
Something was happening last week that felt like an old pattern, something I did not want to deal with.
I started to feel/hear “Walk away, walk away, WALK AWAY!!”
I was already starting to mourn the ending, even though I hadn’t walked away yet. Gathering the strength to do so was in itself a grieving process.
I was certain that my “inner wisdom” or intuition or whatever was telling me this was doomed to be a failure. I mean absolutely, positively certain. I was journaling about it, I was working myself up into an emotional cyclone over it. I was unable to concentrate long enough to do paid-for readings (which is unprofessional as hell).
And then something popped up in my inbox that made me shift gears.
First of all, I’m in complete inbox overwhelm lately. During the telesummit a few months ago, I had signed up for dozens of email lists and haven’t had the energy to trim them down yet. Most days I don’t read any of the emails I get, or I just glance through. Some days one or two jump out at me and say, “Read/watch/listen”, whichever is appropriate.
And one day, Christine Arylo’s Love Letter jumped out at me. I don’t know why. I hadn’t looked at her stuff in months (if you don’t know Christine, she’s built her business and reputation around self-love. She’s a bit quirky and funny. Check her out at Madly In Love With Me!)
Something in there reminded me of one of The Four Agreements – Don’t Assume. [As an aside, remind me to tell you guys about working with Don Miguel Ruiz before he became famous.]
Assuming goes two ways. Assuming you know what someone else is thinking or feeling and assuming that they know what you are thinking and feeling.
And that’s what I had been doing. I had been taking something personally that really didn’t have anything to do with me.
I was also expecting someone else to know – at a distance! – how I was feeling and pursue me to force me to tell him/her how I was feeling.
And that is not fair in so many ways.
The Voice, the one now SCREAMING, “Walk Away, WALK AWAY, WALK AWAY!” was doing all that assuming.
So, I watched Christine’s video again and sat down to compose an email.
I didn’t even know what to say or how to express what I was feeling.
But I did the best I could with it.
It was cathartic; I even cried while writing it.
I felt immensely better for writing and sending it.
I didn’t get an immediate response. I didn’t expect an immediate response.
But the longer I waited for a response, the more the Voice started up again. “See, told ya so!” it was now saying.
I was feeling panicked.
What if. . . .
What if I opened up to the wrong person at the wrong time?
What if I made myself vulnerable and received nothing in return?
Why wasn’t I listening to my intuition?
Could I handle being hurt again?
But, in my best times, I have been able to say, “Feel the fear, and do it anyway.” Push through the fear, do what you’re scared of. Yes, there’s potential for it to go wrong, to be hurt, to fail, but how do you know if you don’t try?
And then . . . I got a response.
It was appropriate, kind, thoughtful, and genuine.
The fear bubble burst.
The Voice was gone.
That Voice was the voice of fear, NOT my intuition.
But how do you tell the difference? The Voice of fear was so strong – so much stronger than the gentle pull in the opposite direction.
Christine’s video resonated so strongly with me at exactly the right moment – that was intuition guiding me to what I needed to hear.
That voice, that guide is so quiet and gentle most of the time, it’s hard to recognize it at times.
|Photo from Unprofound.com|
Before you act on something, especially if it’s a negative something, or makes you panicked, stop for a moment. Breathe. Ask, “Does this act serve my highest good? Will this help me feel more fulfilled/loved/helpful/relieved or will this just hurt?”
Sometimes you need to cut people out of your life, toxic people, people who only hurt you even if it’s under the guise of helping you. Be clear about why you are doing that if you do. Make sure that it’s not based on a million what-ifs (assumptions) that haven’t even happened yet.
Be kind to yourself – ask for what you need. After all, you can’t get anywhere if you don’t move out of your comfort zone.