Here I am again

and again and again and again.

When I first started this blog, I was trying to work on self-discipline issues. And I still am.

So many things in my life are chaotic because of my lack of self-discipline and inability to form new habits.

I tried to start a bullet journal a couple of times, so that I could do habit tracking. I didn’t even make it one month each time.

I’ve bought lovely planners. Even when I remember to carry them with me, I only use them sporadically.

Right now, I have a list of a few things I’m trying to start. I have managed . .  . 4 days in a row of 3/5 of the list out of the last 2 weeks.

I’m listening to the audible book version of Atomic Habits hoping to use it to help. Clear talks about “habit stacking” – making a small change, then another, then another on top of each other. Which completely makes sense.

Until I start trying to implement it.

I know I’m not unique in this way. I mean, books like Atomic Habits or blogs like Zen Habits wouldn’t exist if I were unique.

But I continually feel overwhelmed trying to start new, healthier habits.

And I look back and see, I was struggling with the same things years ago. My house is not as bad as it was in 2013 when I wrote that, but it still isn’t the way I want it, either.

For right now, I’ve made a chart on a dry erase board for starting a few small things.

  • 15 mins of housework
  • 3 homemade meals
  • 30 mins of study toward a self-study course

I know to some people, making homemade meals and doing a minimal amount of housework sounds. . . piddly? little? bare minimum? But for me, even doing those small things on a regular basis would make a big difference in my life. Making all my own meals would help with both health and cash flow. I tend to do housework in large chunks when I have energy or am motivated. If I did even a little every single day, my environment would be so much nicer.

One thing I did last year that sort of forced me to pay attention to my environment was to start gardening. My apartment complex started a small community garden. Last fall, I took over a plot no one else was tending and planted a bunch of winter veggies as well as tended the perennial herbs I’d planted the year before. Then I went a bit crazy and started a bunch of plants on my porch. It required me to tend them pretty much daily, and I did well for 8 or 9 months. Then I got sick, was sick for about a month, then took another month to fully recover. I couldn’t bend over to fill the watering can or to pour the water. It was depressing and all the plants I started last summer died. I’ve just begun replacing them.

What healthy habits do you have? How did you get them established?

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Image by Zoltan Matuska from Pixabay

Roller Coaster of Emotions

Wow. I knew I’d ignored my blogs for a while, but didn’t realize I haven’t had a substantive post since 2014! A lot of ups and downs in that time.

  • Summer 2015 – got a good job with grown up money and benefits for the first time in over a decade.
  • Winter 2015/2016 – an old friend needed a place to stay, and in the interest of paying the universe back for the help I received, I let him move in with me. Signed up for a Master’s degree online program. Then I got diagnosed with colon cancer. Since my daughter was grown up and moved out, having someone in the house while I was going through that really helped. Although I had to give up privacy that I crave. (Also, he’s an alcoholic, but that’s for another time). I had to put the Master’s on hold. Moved to a 2 bedroom apartment.
  • Spring and Summer 2016 – dealing with chemo, but also connecting to other women veterans through a new local group.
  • Fall 2016 – jumped into the Master’s program taking 2 classes, which really stressed me out.
  • Winter/Spring 2016/2017 – got a credential for work, was completely buried under with the Master’s. Over my head a bit. Ended up with C in one class I took, and had to redo it.
  • Fall 2017 – got a promotion at work.
  • Winter 2017 – forced Roommate to go to the V.A. for addiction counseling. There was a whole big deal with the neighbor calling police and everything.
  • Spring 2018 – took time off from the Master’s to give myself a break and reevaluate if I wanted to keep going. My daughter graduated from university.
  • Summer 2018 – got sick of the alcoholic roommate. At this point, he’d lost a couple of jobs, started a new one and now was drinking regularly again. I couldn’t take it anymore. Asked him to leave.

So, up, down, up, down, up, down.

But that’s life, right?

I’ve missed writing, but in the time since I stopped blogging, I was somewhat disconnected from my emotions and spirituality.

Also, when I was blogging before and trying to make a business out of my witchiness, I was steeped in dozens of courses and other middle-aged white women trying to do a spiritual or coaching business. There was a whole circle-jerk of us? them? advising each other to up-level and increase your email list, and get the clients who will pay hundreds of dollars for a couple hours of talking with you.

I grew to hate it. Especially after one such coaching session, where I said I wanted to make a set of affirmation cards or something like that and the coach insisted I needed to do intense coaching sessions to make money, just like she was. No. That isn’t what I want to do. Then she insisted I put more coaching sessions on a credit card I didn’t have.

I don’t want to hustle to find broken women and take money from them, often when they are at a really low point. And it began to feel like a multilevel marketing scam.

No, I liked my blog when it was just me, trying to figure life out. I’ve really wanted to get back to blogging for a while, but couldn’t find my voice. I think it’s important for me to get back to it, to center myself again.

How are you doing? What have you been up to the past 5 years? FIVE YEARS, good grief.