Roller Coaster of Emotions

Wow. I knew I’d ignored my blogs for a while, but didn’t realize I haven’t had a substantive post since 2014! A lot of ups and downs in that time.

  • Summer 2015 – got a good job with grown up money and benefits for the first time in over a decade.
  • Winter 2015/2016 – an old friend needed a place to stay, and in the interest of paying the universe back for the help I received, I let him move in with me. Signed up for a Master’s degree online program. Then I got diagnosed with colon cancer. Since my daughter was grown up and moved out, having someone in the house while I was going through that really helped. Although I had to give up privacy that I crave. (Also, he’s an alcoholic, but that’s for another time). I had to put the Master’s on hold. Moved to a 2 bedroom apartment.
  • Spring and Summer 2016 – dealing with chemo, but also connecting to other women veterans through a new local group.
  • Fall 2016 – jumped into the Master’s program taking 2 classes, which really stressed me out.
  • Winter/Spring 2016/2017 – got a credential for work, was completely buried under with the Master’s. Over my head a bit. Ended up with C in one class I took, and had to redo it.
  • Fall 2017 – got a promotion at work.
  • Winter 2017 – forced Roommate to go to the V.A. for addiction counseling. There was a whole big deal with the neighbor calling police and everything.
  • Spring 2018 – took time off from the Master’s to give myself a break and reevaluate if I wanted to keep going. My daughter graduated from university.
  • Summer 2018 – got sick of the alcoholic roommate. At this point, he’d lost a couple of jobs, started a new one and now was drinking regularly again. I couldn’t take it anymore. Asked him to leave.

So, up, down, up, down, up, down.

But that’s life, right?

I’ve missed writing, but in the time since I stopped blogging, I was somewhat disconnected from my emotions and spirituality.

Also, when I was blogging before and trying to make a business out of my witchiness, I was steeped in dozens of courses and other middle-aged white women trying to do a spiritual or coaching business. There was a whole circle-jerk of us? them? advising each other to up-level and increase your email list, and get the clients who will pay hundreds of dollars for a couple hours of talking with you.

I grew to hate it. Especially after one such coaching session, where I said I wanted to make a set of affirmation cards or something like that and the coach insisted I needed to do intense coaching sessions to make money, just like she was. No. That isn’t what I want to do. Then she insisted I put more coaching sessions on a credit card I didn’t have.

I don’t want to hustle to find broken women and take money from them, often when they are at a really low point. And it began to feel like a multilevel marketing scam.

No, I liked my blog when it was just me, trying to figure life out. I’ve really wanted to get back to blogging for a while, but couldn’t find my voice. I think it’s important for me to get back to it, to center myself again.

How are you doing? What have you been up to the past 5 years? FIVE YEARS, good grief.

 

 

NOT sending a letter

This is sort of a continuation of my last post.

One of the things I don’t like about myself is my capacity for stupid obsessions.
Ever since that phone call, I’ve been obsessing. It wasn’t going away or getting better. In the comments, Monday’s Child suggested that I allow the fantasy to play out.
That sort of made it worse.
Yesterday, it was even worse.
Now, logically I know that this is just a way for my brain to distract me from other things I need to be doing or from the fact that I’ve (almost) failed at something.
I posted on Facebook that I was mad at my “diseased brain”. One of my friends, another math teacher who has been a long-distance mentor, posted about my brain not being diseased. We then had a private chat where I told her some of the background information.
She said all the right things. And I know all those things.
He’s a liar; he’s a manipulator; he’s not worth my time and energy.
I know.
But knowing that doesn’t stop my stupid brain from running the fantasies.
If I squash it during my waking hours, it shows up in my sleeping ones. If I try to consciously redirect it to where I’m beating the crap out of him, it still keeps running back to reunion scenarios. If I don’t find a way to fight this, I know where I’ll end up – depressed and anxious.
Last night, after chatting with JF, I pulled out my affirmation notebook and wrote a few simple positive affirmations to try to clear the psychic decks.
By the time I was done writing three affirmations twenty times each, I felt like writing something else.
I wrote a letter to him.
Six pages.
Wow.
I had no idea I still had six pages of stuff to work out about him. I haven’t written that fluently in years.
It has some bitter-sweet stuff, some anger, some pity, some sadness in it.
But there was a theme through all six pages. His lack of respect for me came through very clearly, maybe more clearly than I’ve seen it before.
When I was done, I felt . . . empty. 
I have no intention of sending this to him. It wasn’t for him. It was for me.
Maybe now I can actually get some work done. 

Holidays and Journals

Happy Holidays!
One of the presents I received was from R. R is family, but not related by blood (insert long complicated explanation here). Suffice to say, I love her dearly. 
The last time I spoke with her, I found out she was reading this blog.  That thrills me more than I can say. She said that she really enjoys my writing. 
And like normal, my mind tried to deny that. I’ve practiced long and hard at just saying, “Thank you, “ to compliments, but honestly, my mind is just like my teen daughter’s in this respect. It starts saying, “I don’t write that well, really,” and a ton of other negativities.
Anyway, R sent me this lovely journal. It’s faux crocodile skin with silver-gilt edging, and just gorgeous. And thick. Lots of pages.
I have this history with journals. 
I love them! I buy them (though I’ve never bought one this nice for myself). I use them. 
For a little while.  You know, when I’m a tad manic, and trying to get myself together, and thinking that I’m going to be this creative genius (because, really, what’s the point of being bipolar if I can’t be a creative genius?) Or when I’m really depressed and I’ve driven everyone away and I have no one to talk to, I write then.
Then I stop.
I get too busy, or I get depressed, or I misplace the journal, or I spend too much time online, or. . . you know, life gets in the way.
Then when I want to write again after months, or sometimes years, off, I can’t find the last one I was using (because I’m a disorganized wreck, of course).  Or I think it will look pathetic to have a 2 year gap in the journal. 
So I buy a new one. 
Or I try to write a computer journal.
But somehow, like with math, my hand is connected to my brain. The journaling doesn’t stick unless I do it by hand.
I’m feeling a little bit of pressure to fill this one, and not give up on it 20 pages in. It’s so much nicer than any I’ve bought for myself. 
I did fill four pages today. 
That’s a good start, I think.
Thank you so much, R. It’s really lovely.

Lots going on – School, work, business. . .

I’ve got a lot of irons in the fire right now. So much so that I’m a little worried about myself.

Earlier today, BFF asked me to fill out my Moodscope chart, because I hadn’t in 2 months. I’m really thankful that I have someone in my life that is that attuned to my moods. Thanks for worrying.

I’ve started grad school, at National University, for my teaching credential. It’s only been one week, and I’m feeling completely overwhelmed. One main reason is all these things I have to pay for. I’ll be reimbursed for much of it, but it will take time for the reimbursement to happen. I’ve got to gather together my receipts so I can put in for the reimbursement. I also still need to gather some more info for my Voc Rehab guy, and the info for the books I need for my September class.

I’m unfocused at my day job, which is not good. I need to do as well as I am able at this job, so they will accommodate the time off I will need for classroom observations. I don’t want to be the office screw up. I want to do well at whatever I do, even if it is not my ideal situation.

My business is in a lull time right now; it always is right before school starts again. But I should be getting my business license in the mail soon, which is exciting.

I’m afraid it will all be too much for me, especially since I haven’t completed my goals of getting my apartment organized or setting up new cleaning routines.

I have cleaned the kitchen today, and most of the dining area, and C has made some progress in the living room, but it’s not enough for me to feel comfortable yet.

I’m also not keeping up with this blog very well. I want to write things about observations from other blogs and things I read. Instead, it’s turning into a journal. Not what I intended.  But that’s ok, for the moment. I need a place where I can process what I’m going through, and this is as good a place as any.