I’ve been working on this for years, how to change the negative tapes in my head that say:
I’ll never amount to anything.
If you’re so smart, why aren’t you more ___________
What the fuck are you doing with your life?
I can’t do anything right.
I’m too disorganized to do anything the “right” way.
No one likes me.
And on and on and on and on.
I know that these thought patterns are destructive, and they only feed depression.
I know the origin of most of them; they have the same voice in my head.
I used to think it was completely programming I had as a child, but now I’m not so sure. Because C grew up with a LOT of positive reinforcement. I never said those things to her. And yet, somewhere around age 14/15, these started coming out of her mouth – her own internal programming brought these same words up, including body/beauty image issues.
Maybe there is a biological component to these thinking patterns.
But can we change them?
M recently accused me of being an optimist, which is pretty funny if you’ve only known me in the last ten years, but he knew me long ago, when I was very optimistic about everything.
I did ask my friend sync if he thought I was an optimist. His response:
You are more so than you think.
You generally do think you can accomplish various things, although when push comes to shove you often need to be pushed and shoved.
You can make it RIGHT UP to an important point, then you kinda freak out about it and try to talk yourself into thinking you can’t do it.
|I blurred out my name, but there it is, framed and hung on the wall.|
Happiness is a decision.
She taught me that happiness isn’t something that is *caused* by anything. It’s a deliberate decision you make, moment by moment if necessary.