Evolving

I had a love/hate relationship with being a technician back when I was one.

I loved working with mostly geeky guys and not being afraid of tech talk. The work was ok, I was. . . competent.

But very quickly after getting what should have been a dream job, I realized I was not happy or fulfilled. In fact, despite making more money than I ever had and living in a great apartment that I loved and being medicated, I was getting depressed. Again.

I think one reason why I was laid off that time was because of my depression. I started leaving work early or staying home because I had a headache or felt “sick”. I spent a lot of time online on a forum I was a frequent contributor to. I did my job, but half-heartedly, and I I wasn’t really comfortable with it. After 15 years, I never really became all that comfortable with it. It never felt right.

I was in touch with myself enough to realize that this meant I wasn’t supposed to be an engineer and to change my major – to math.

Math is also not a very. . . soulful, fulfilling path. It can be rather esoteric and philosophical, though.

But I really struggled with a couple of courses (abstract/modern algebra and real analysis, if you have to know).

As in, took them multiple times and celebrated a C/C- grade.

Funny, every non-math class I took, I got a B or even an A without even trying.

The math classes? My actual major? Not so much, once I hit the upper division classes.

Now, I did choose math in part because it was hard. Because I’m stubborn (or is it arrogant?) that way.

See, I can read and discuss history, philosophy, ethnic studies and a zillion other subjects on my own. But math beyond calculus? Was never going to be able to teach myself that.

Besides, we keep hearing about how the schools need teachers in STEM (science, technology, engineering and math) fields, so it should be easy to get a job, right?

Except it took me twice as long to finish the degree as I thought it would, because of depression and not working and then working and still depressed and so on and so on and so on.

But I did finish.

Then I got into a program to get my credential.

And choked on the finish line.

I WILL finish that this April, but the path here has been arduous.

And now I’m feeling like that may not be where I’m supposed to be.

Way back in the early 1990s, I considered leaving the military. I had an opportunity to leave before my time was up.

I consulted a couple of people, thinking I should be doing something metaphysical – since every time I go for any kind of reading, the reader invariably says, “You could do what I do.”

But everything at that time came back saying, “No, stay. It’s not time.”

Right now. . . I don’t know.

Things feel. . .  very strange.

Different.

Full of possibilities.

But at the same time, I don’t think I’m manic. I’m sleeping well, for one thing. (Less than four hours sleep a night is usually a pretty big indicator that I’m swinging that way).

So, I’m trying to get down as many ideas as I can, write as much as I can while this is in my head.

Maybe it’s time for something  . . . different.

I know I’m supposed to Teach.

But maybe that’s not math.

The Incredible Year workbook – Part 1 – Affirmations

I’ve talked about Goddess Leonie’s Incredible Year Workbook before. I’m still not done working through it, but I thought I’d do a couple of posts about what I’m doing, how I’m incorporating it. (And it’s not to late to start now!)

Before I even start, I have to say a lot of this is touchy-feely-fluffy-bunny-new-agey. But my spiritual roots are touch-feely-fluffy-bunny-new-agey, and I feel I’ve strayed away from that. I think I’m looking at this as drawing me back in.

I have a document holder like the one pictured to the left where I’ve put the relevant goal sheets and calendar pages that I need to see and access often (I did not print the whole workbook, only the parts I need). I’ve also got a spiral notebook for the To Do lists.

First off, I like affirmations. At different times in my life, I’ve used them to varying degrees of success. I’ve put them on my mirror or refrigerator or front door do I could see them often. I’ve written them in the evenings to concentrate on a goal.
So, I really like that Goddess Leonie incorporates affirmations in a couple of different ways in this workbook.
There is a page with colorful, odd shaped bubbles to create your own affirmation You’re supposed to write them and then cut them out and put them where you’ll see them: in your purse, around the home, wherever. I have taped some to the report cover and the spiral notebook. I also intend to buy some stuff to laminate them so I can put them in other places. She starts you off with:

You Are RADIANT

To that I’ve added:

My life is full of miracles

I accept people as they are

I am loved

I am creative

I am organized and disciplined

I am creating miracles of love, peace and prosperity everyday

I deserve to be happy

I am Love, I am Abundance, I am Joy 

 Ok, looking at that from a jaded point of view (or what some would call realistic), it all seems a little lofty, dreamy, escapist thinking. But wouldn’t it be wonderful if that were all true? Even better, wouldn’t it be fantastic if I could make it all true?

Later on in the book, she has another page called “My Magnificent Mottos”. To me, these also feel like affirmations. They are the “mottos” for the year, that you focus on to keep you going. She gives examples of ones she’s used and then you create your own. I’ve got:

Embrace Possibilities

Be Strong

Cultivate Kindness

Dreams can come true!

Practice being loving 

She has a calendar, too, and I like her pages that give you a focus for the month. However, I don’t like her actual calendar pages. I’m using something else for the calendars, a page I got from a “plan your blog” site (but I don’t remember which one).
I’ve only got 72 things on the 100 Things To Do in 2013 list, but completing the list is on the list, so at some point, I’ve got to think of more things.

More about this fantastic workbook in the next few days.

Here’s to a better year: 2013

I’ve been reading Goddess Leone’s emails and posts for a long time, but I never took action on anything. I just read them, nodded in agreement and then went on doing whatever I was doing.

But:

“If you keep on doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep on getting what you’ve always got.”

  —  W. L. Bateman

Something about this year feels different.

I feel more optimistic about everything than I have in a long time. I’m not sure what the difference is, but I’m going with it.It feels good, but it doesn’t feel out-of-control-manic.

So, I pulled the trigger and bought  2013 Create Your Incredible Year Calendar & Workbook.

I’m working through it now. I’m still somewhat stuck on some of it, but I’m feeling good about the parts I’ve done so far. 

One of the things I’ve put on my “100 Things To Do in 2013” list is: 52 blog posts.

That would be one per week. 

I didn’t specify WHICH blog, so as long as I write on one of the blogs every week, I’ll meet my goal.

But there’s a LOT I’d really like to do this year. When my list is done, I’ll post some of it here.

I’m enjoying this process so much that I became an affiliate for Leonie’s products. If you see some of her colorful banners popping up here, I strongly recommend the product. For disclosure, I will receive 50% of anything bought through the links on this page.

Buying them will help us both out! You’ll get a process to analyze and implement your goals and I’ll get a bit of money.


Goddess Leonie is a hippy, dippy, new-agey, dreamy type person, but she’s also a Let’s get shit DONE!” person.
Her process contains a little meditation, a little ritual, a little dreaming and quite a bit of “What’s the next step to make that happen?”

It’s only $9.95 for the “Life” edition.

Try it!


So, before the month is up, before your resolutions are in the trash can, sign up and try this out.



Nothing if not resilient

I’ve been working for a small business. The business has not been doing well for quite some time. The owners have reached a point where they need to make drastic changes to keep the company going.

One of those changes is laying me off, and making me a contractor. My last day as an employee will be December 23rd. After the first of the year, I come back for 8 hours a week. I’ll work 4 hours a week from home, and 4 hours on Friday.

I will be eligible for unemployment, so that’s good.

I found out about this on Wednesday.

Here’s the funny part.

For months, I’ve been talking about applying for a substitute teaching credential.

For weeks, I’ve been saying that I needed more time to do observations at different times of the day and for different teachers.

On Monday, I had finally gotten off my ass and applied for the credential.

I was thinking that after my credential came through, I could put in notice with the company and let them know that I would be available for special projects or to help transition on days that I wasn’t tutoring.

When the boss told me Wednesday about this change in status, I was actually almost relieved.

I don’t have to do the hard part of approaching them about this plan.

It’s happening a month or two earlier than I thought it would.

But I’m already working on things to improve MY business.

I’ll be able to collect unemployment.

They owe me for more than 100 hours PTO. I’ve only been working about 27 hours a week lately, anyway, so that 100 hours is like getting 2 more paychecks from them. That will last me until the unemployment kicks in.

The 8 hours a week I work as a contractor will subtract a little from the unemployment, but will still help me.

Then I should get a big tax refund, which could act like another 3 or 4 paychecks.

By then, the substitute certificate should come through.

Meanwhile, I can volunteer and observe teachers in various schools to get my name out there for subbing.

As long as I don’t get depressed while this is happening, I’ll be good.

So far, my anti-depression plan includes:

  1. Getting up at the same time every day.
  2. Take C to school, just like normal.
  3. Hit the gym immediately afterward – get the endorphins flowing and help me have energy to tackle the day. Also, there’s a ton of studies about exercise helping keep one from being too depressed.

So, wish me luck!