Today is a bad day.
I want to be completely myself here, and lately most of my posts have been very positive and forward-looking.
Today. . .I’m just not feeling that way.
I put my gym membership on a 6 month hold today, and that’s a huge bummer.
But I had to.
Because if the $30.89 automatic payment went through next week, it would bounce.
I may have to have C pay for her own phone bill next week, too. Because I can’t afford $25.
I hate being here.
I’ve been here before. (My friends from That Other Place know too well how often I’ve been here, and have helped me again and again.)
And it’s back.
That knot in my stomach that never goes away.
The fear that interferes with everything I do.
It seeps away enjoyment of everything.
It creates an endless loop of negative thoughts, and takes away all my energy.
Just a few weeks ago, I wasn’t all that worried that I wasn’t working. I thought by the time I did hit this point, I’d be working. Or at least have a couple more tutoring clients.
And one of the reasons I can’t pay the $25 phone bill is because yesterday I paid for a tutoring lead.
There’s this service that gives me leads from time to time. And I had been paying a low monthly subscription to respond to as many of the leads as I get. I didn’t mind because one hour with one client more than made up for the cost.
Last month they changed the business model. And now, I have to buy “credits” and use the credits to respond to the leads. Again, it’s cheap enough where one hour with one client is enough to make up for the expense.
I responded to a few leads, but got no response.
I think I know why, but it’s disheartening.
My rates are more than most of the other independent tutors. But I know I’m worth it, and I’ve had people pay those rates.
Over the years, I raised my rates slowly. I increased them when my qualifications increased, or when I was so busy I couldn’t keep up with all the clients. I grandfathered old clients into old rates, but had new clients pay new rates.
But, now I’m not getting any new clients.
I *hate* that I’ve got one client paying the current rate, but if I want another client, I may have to lower it. I don’t want to lower it.
And I’m tired.
The last year or so, I’ve been tired of tutoring.
I love my kids. I love working with them.
But I hate the driving, the nervousness about knowing if a client cancels, I’ll be scrambling for money, the selling myself.
Dear gods, I hate selling myself.
I’ve ignored my tutoring blog.
I’ve stopped researching techniques to help my kids see math in a different way.
I stopped aggressively advertising for clients.
Looking for work
There are things I need to do to increase my chances of getting a job.
Actually applying would help a lot. 😛 (I did put in applications today for jobs at tutoring centers).
I still need to go and talk to my mentor teachers and get letters of recommendation from them, so I can finish my applications for subbing.
I need to revamp my resumé. I had a resumé writer create one for me last year, after asking her if she could do education resumés. She assured me she could.
Except it’s not right.
A business resumé is expected to be one page, and only contains certain things, yada yada.
Education resumés are different. For one thing, I’ve been told at least two pages.
On a business resumé it would be ridiculous to put that I used to teach CPR classes in the Navy. On an education resumé, looking for my first teaching job, I need to include it.
Silly little things like that.
And I’ve been avoiding doing it. Because. . .
I am so fucking scared right now.
Scared to talk to my mentor teachers about letters of recommendation because I feel like I screwed up so badly in student teaching. (And I owe one of them $50).
Scared to apply for teaching jobs because I’m not sure I can handle it. Scared even to start subbing.
What if. . .
What if I’ve done all this work, and I can’t do the job? What if I’ve done all this and no one will hire me, because all the time I’ve been not working or doing something other than education in the last 10 years makes “them” think I’m not serious about teaching?
What if I have an emotional breakdown on the job? In front of teenagers?
What if. . . .. what if my therapist was right in 2004, and I really should be on disability instead of working? [That’s the scariest thought of all, and I haven’t actually vocalized (or written) it until now.]