NOT sending a letter

This is sort of a continuation of my last post.

One of the things I don’t like about myself is my capacity for stupid obsessions.
Ever since that phone call, I’ve been obsessing. It wasn’t going away or getting better. In the comments, Monday’s Child suggested that I allow the fantasy to play out.
That sort of made it worse.
Yesterday, it was even worse.
Now, logically I know that this is just a way for my brain to distract me from other things I need to be doing or from the fact that I’ve (almost) failed at something.
I posted on Facebook that I was mad at my “diseased brain”. One of my friends, another math teacher who has been a long-distance mentor, posted about my brain not being diseased. We then had a private chat where I told her some of the background information.
She said all the right things. And I know all those things.
He’s a liar; he’s a manipulator; he’s not worth my time and energy.
I know.
But knowing that doesn’t stop my stupid brain from running the fantasies.
If I squash it during my waking hours, it shows up in my sleeping ones. If I try to consciously redirect it to where I’m beating the crap out of him, it still keeps running back to reunion scenarios. If I don’t find a way to fight this, I know where I’ll end up – depressed and anxious.
Last night, after chatting with JF, I pulled out my affirmation notebook and wrote a few simple positive affirmations to try to clear the psychic decks.
By the time I was done writing three affirmations twenty times each, I felt like writing something else.
I wrote a letter to him.
Six pages.
Wow.
I had no idea I still had six pages of stuff to work out about him. I haven’t written that fluently in years.
It has some bitter-sweet stuff, some anger, some pity, some sadness in it.
But there was a theme through all six pages. His lack of respect for me came through very clearly, maybe more clearly than I’ve seen it before.
When I was done, I felt . . . empty. 
I have no intention of sending this to him. It wasn’t for him. It was for me.
Maybe now I can actually get some work done. 

Family & relationships

Family at its best can be supportive, encouraging, and wonderful.

Unfortunately, many of us have family members that do not meet that ideal.

I had a fight with my sister through facebook the other day. I had intended to write a blog post that day, but the fight had me so upset, I was afraid to write.

I don’t want to write a ton of bad stuff about my family, because, after all, they made me who I am.

My sister means well, and I know it.

Thing is, she remembers things very differently from how I remember them. I don’t think either one of our recollections is more valid than the other, they are just different. But it’s hard for me to reconcile her visions with my memory.

She also seems to have an overly-optimistic view of Family in general, and ours in particular.

But, the bottom line for me is that I have to make decisions about what is best for my daughter. I don’t really want to explain this here further, but, I’ve made a decision that my family is not going to be happy about. And I have to learn to stand my ground.

I’m such a people-pleaser. I want everyone to like me and to understand my decisions. My friends on another forum have been trying to make me realize that it is not possible to do.

Some people who only know me casually think that I’m really strong. My family thinks that I’m a selfish bitch. Neither is really true, from my own point of view.

I’ve done things I’ve had to do to resurrect my life after screwing it up completely. That doesn’t seem particularly strong to me.

I feel that I’ve had to distance myself from my family in order to maintain some sense of self, some personal sovereignty. I don’t think that makes me a bitch.

What I am is someone trying to navigate my way through life, while raising my daughter to not be as frightened of others as I am. I suppose that means I have moments of strength, and moments of bitchiness to balance out my moments of losing myself and allowing myself to be bullied.