The Jealousy: I Haz It

Right now, I’m fighting the Green-Eyed Monster on several fronts.

Writing

I think I’m a fairly decent writer.

However, I know a guy that can evoke emotion much more strongly than I do in his writing, seemingly effortlessly. I get more out there for others to read, and I proofread more, but he can blow me away with a turn of phrase or a strong emotion.

And my friend D. She writes these long, informative, researched and really good posts three times a week. She’s only been blogging since November last year, and she has only 20 or so fewer posts than I have, and she already gets more hits per post on her blog, has more readers.

I know how she does it. She’s consistent and she advertises it and sends messages and stuff to places and people where/who she thinks will be interested in her individual posts. (Although as I’m updating this for publication, I note she hasn’t posted in a month. I know she’s had some personal things going on, and hasn’t had the energy to write lately).

That is more than I do. I tend to only pimp posts I’m proud of, like the Compliments post and now the Intuition vs. Fear post.

But I could do more. And I’m starting to, now. But I feel as though I’ve been spinning my wheels staying in one spot too long.

I’m also jealous that she *always* has a point, and some research and/or quotes.

I *want* my posts to be more like that, but I tend to . . . whine about my life.

Health & Fitness

For awhile last year, I was doing really, really well. I was lifting on a schedule, counting calories, not only losing “weight” but reshaping my body, dropping body fat. There were so many great people that I connected to on My Fitness Pal that were doing the same things I was doing. And their results were way more dramatic than mine. 
I fell off the wagon, and I stopped connecting to those people. I stopped writing on my fitness blog.
Now when I get emails from the fitness inspiration people I signed up with, I feel guilty and just delete them without even reading them. 
To make matters worse, I’ve gained most of the weight back. Because I’m not lifting, my belly has grown again. I feel sluggish. I hate it. 
It seems like a lot of the blogs I read have this women who are in good shape. I mean, have you seen how hot Marie Forleo is?
Even those that aren’t slender, they’re all talking about eating organic, making green smoothies, going vegetarian or paleo, juicing, hitting the farmer’s markets. . . . and I’m just trying to keep food on the table which means a lot of rice, beans, potatoes (cheap and filling and lasts a long time). . . . 

Money, Career, Business

This one is hard to talk about for a lot of reasons.
I’ve spent much of the last 13 years posting on a set of financial forums. I know how to manage money. But I need an income stream to do it.
And through those forums, I know people. . .  I know people that travel and live part-time in foreign countries. I know people that have the money to travel, that can take vacations, that have homes, and jobs and retirement savings, and horses, and . . .  stuff I don’t have.
And I know this one fabulous guy who deserves everything he has. He has a job that makes damn good money, that he’s really good at (if a bit overwhelmed at the moment), and he just bought a house. Not just a house, a HOUSE. One of those dream neighborhoods, in fact a neighborhood where the median income is $126,000/year – and he fits right in income-wise. This home is huge, gorgeous, lots of trees, a pool, more rooms than they need. . . He deserves it. He’s a genuinely nice guy, he totally loves his wife, he’s very involved with his kid, he works hard, has a great education. And he’ll be the first one to tell you luck had a lot to do with all of it.
But when he was house-hunting, he’d send me pics of these . . . . manors. . . and I’d look around my one-bedroom apartment (that I share with a teenager) and I’d be soooo jealous. I’m happy for him, I really am. And he is the first one to say that it amazes him that he’s arrived where he’s at. I also know that it wasn’t easy for him to get there, and the last two years before now have been pretty rough. But yeah, the green-eyed monster is definitely there.
And business-wise. . .  I’m just starting here. I know that. I’m just starting to sell readings, and I’m writing a couple of things to sell, and I’m trying to flesh out some talks I might be able to give in the future. I’m in the beginning stages.

But I’ve spent the last 6 months completely immersed in reading and listening to amazing people, mostly women, who are already doing some things I would love to do. I look at some of their stuff and say, “I could totally do that!” And I think, “Why haven’t I done this earlier?”

All of these years I’ve been un- and under-employed.  . .. I could have been doing this all along. I could have used some of these techniques for my tutoring business. . . I could have started doing readings years ago. I could have taken courses when I had the money to do it. . . .

The truth is, I wasn’t ready for this until now and I know it. But I keep thinking I could/should be so much further along.

And of course I’m jealous about being able to afford to have someone design a real website and everything. I own my domain name, but I don’t have my own host. I want to use WordPress.org because of all the fancy plug-ins, but I can’t because that costs money I don’t have.

I would so love to get deeper into some of the business courses I’m aware of, particularly Leela Somaya’s new Quantum Leap Your Business course, but I have no hope of being able to afford it.

And teaching. . .  One of the women that I did student teaching with, another math teacher, got a job at my daughter’s high school. If I hadn’t fucked up, I could have had that job, since I knew most of the staff already.

Stop whining, already!

There’s always going to be someone in a better position than I am. Even if I win the lottery tomorrow, someone else will have more than I do.
Someone will always be smarter, stronger, prettier, more consistent, better at something, etc.
That doesn’t mean I’m not good at what I’m doing. It doesn’t mean I can’t or won’t be successful – it just means I haven’t gotten there yet. 
And everything isn’t bad.
I won third place in a video contest and got access to Leela’s Diamond package. I have been able to make a few small investments in the business, and I’m slowly moving towards making it what I want it to be.
I finished one of the TPAs. I didn’t pass it, but I’ve had a conference with the dean of my education department to figure out how to fix it.
I’m on the Board of a fledgling non-profit that deals with addictions.
I was able to get my pet declared an Emotional Support Animal, and now I know that no matter where I move, even if there’s a “no pet” policy, I can have my fat cat with no deposit or pet rent because of that (and I handled that situation timely and well, which is good). 
I’m taking part in a couple of mastermind groups, which are helping me with ideas for the business.
My gorgeous, smart, talented daughter graduated high school last week, and I made a small step towards repairing a relationship with a family member last week.
Some things are moving in the right direction for me, and I need to concentrate on those things instead of comparing myself to others. 
When I started to write this post, a couple of months ago, I posted in one of the Wild Sisterhood forums asking how others deal with jealousy. Only one person responded and she is Buddhist and said that she doesn’t deal with jealousy often. 
I know everyone deals with jealousy from time to time. It just seems like we don’t like to talk about it often. 
Have you had to deal with jealousy recently? How have you dealt with it? 

Patterns: Withdrawing

Whenever I start something, I have a pattern of going full throttle for a short period of  time and then dropping it.

Last week I was so excited about a lot of things. I had a lot of plans for what I was going to do. I wrote outlines and lists with time tables and due dates. I was excited about the upcoming stuff for Invincible Summer. I started several things.

And then, I stopped.

I didn’t blog, I only wrote a small bit in my journal. I stopped doing affirmations for a few days. I didn’t visit the Wild Sisterhood. I didn’t read ZenHabits. I put off working on everything.

I also stopped talking, responding to emails, getting out of the house. I started napping during the day, instead of writing and planning.

I caught myself withdrawing from almost everything (except, curiously, talking with M. Hmmm).

It’s ok to take a break from things at times.

But my personal pattern includes stretching that break out for days, weeks, months. . .

Luckily, I have a small mastermind group, and one of the ladies nudged me with, “When are we meeting again?”

So, I set up a meeting. I had ideas, but had not fleshed anything out yet, still not entirely sure what direction I was going to go in.

By the end of the teleconference call, I not only had an idea, but several questions to put in the product. By the end of the day, I’d hand-written an introduction and sketched out an outline, listed questions I want to use.

I felt great again.

And the next day, I stopped again.

WTF?

This is like last year, when I only had a couple of small things to do to finish my teaching credential, and I kept putting it off, saying, “Oh, I can just do this tomorrow.”

And then I let it go too long and have to repeat something I should not have needed to repeat.

I’m starting to do this now with what I’m trying to do this here.

I have things working well for me.

I just have to keep showing up and not let this break I took last for months.

I suppose my path will never be a straight line.

And that’s ok.

So, today, I’m pulling out the notebooks, and the planner, and listen to today’s SSBR call at noon. And I’m writing. It’s not my best post ever, but I’m doing something, which is good.

Self-Love: Valentine’s Day

I have to admit, I kind of hate V-Day.

Most years I simply ignore that it exists, especially since C is past the age of handing out random cards to everyone in her class.

Most of my life, I’ve been alone in February. I had a boyfriend in HS for 2 years. I was with someone in 99 and got flowers delivered, which was nice.

I was with my ex-husband in 94, but I was half way across the world and my gifts/card came late – I don’t think he even mailed them until after the day. Things were pretty strained between us at the time. And he left me 4 months later, so, you know, not a great memory.

I’ve spent a good deal of time this month reading and journaling about loving yourself. (And this month’s Wild Sister Magazine is all about self-love. If you haven’t seen it, go check it out.)

And for some reason, I’ve still been starting to get a little down. It could be that my mood state is shifting downward, because I don’t see much externally that should be causing it, other than the usual money stress (but that’s been constant for so long now, it’s normal).

I’m accomplishing more.

I’m establishing routines that are helping me.

I’m actually making lists of things that need to be done and taking steps to accomplish goals. And most days making progress on those lists (which is a HUGE thing for me).

I’m having great conversations every night with someone I care about.

I have fantastic friends.

My daughter is wonderfully amazing.

Dominee at Blessing Manifesting has a little (free) ebook called Be Your Own Valentine.

One of the things I found most powerful in it was an exercise that was surprisingly difficult to do. (She got this from Louise L. Hay’s book You Can Heal Your Life).

Go, look yourself in the eye in a mirror, and say, “I love and accept you just the way you are.”

A lot of anxiety and some unidentifiable but powerful emotions came up for me when I did this. It was a little overwhelming.

Have you ever done that?

I mean, I’ve said those words or similar, and I’ve said them to other people, but not trying to hold my own gaze.

If you haven’t done it, try it. And yes, it feels a bit silly at first, but try to take it seriously.

And please share what happens for you.

Balance

I’m still working with some of the stuff in the Incredible Year workbook, and I’ve also discovered Wild Sister Magazine.

Like a lot of stuff I’ve read, the core of the information is not new to me, but in both of these sites, the women who run them are excited about what they do, and their emotions and encouragement of others come through very strongly which makes it feel a little fresher.

The one thing I’m having a problem with, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, is that they are almost too woman-centered.

Now, first off, I’m a Feminist with a capital F. I worked in a male-dominated field (electronics), in a male-dominated organization (military). My degree is in math, which is still male-dominated. My spiritual path was originally chosen as one that honored the sacred feminine.

I believe women should have autonomy and sovereignty over their own bodies – to dress as demurely or sexy as they wish/feel comfortable with, to have sex when and with whom they choose, to decide if and when to have babies and so on.

I love reading about and meeting strong women. I’ve read Gloria Steinem, Betty Friedan and Naomi Wolf. I know how deeply patriarchy is inherent in our culture.

Twenty years ago, the woman-centeredness would have spoken to my soul.

It still does, to an extent, but. . .

In my personal spiritual practice, I long ago moved towards a more balanced perspective: balancing the animus and anima, honoring the sacred masculine as well as the feminine. After all, while women hold up half the sky, so do men. And while men may still have some unconscious advantages in this world, there are some areas where they seem to be being left behind.

There is wisdom in these pages that a couple of men I know could stand to hear, but I don’t see them dealing with all the. . .  girly shit and curlicues and so on to hear the stuff that they could use.

This really isn’t a criticism, because the wonderful women have found their niche, and more power to them!

But I think I would prefer to make my focus a little more gender-neutral. [And guys, if you’re looking for this kind of good stuff, you could check out ZenHabits.]